


He'll Mean It One Day

by orphan_account



Series: Drabble Dabble [4]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Alternative Universe - Modern, Alternative Universe - Quirks, Ambiguous Relationships, Gen, Gotta guess that crossover folks, Vigilante! Edward Elric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 11:55:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13270938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Ah, good ol’ Number 2. You report to Roy yet?” Fuck, he hates Number 2 fuckers. God, if he could just burn them all to the ground —“Honey, do you think I would be dumb enough not to?” Lust looks at him like he’s an idiot, but she knows how she works. “Anyways,” she lets the other down as she comes closer to Ed to whisper her end of the deal. “The kids are safe. I made sure of it.”





	He'll Mean It One Day

**Author's Note:**

> Wow look at this weak fic. Honestly the settings are a little all over the place, but you _might_ be able to guess 'em.
> 
> This will be posted over on another fic thing I have, just so that way it's more "explained" than here. *sobs* I need help with my AUs and shit.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy this piece of... work. I got another fic in the coming, and another one which will not only be added to the list of AUs but will get a secondary fic.

The door chimes softly, and one of the women shouts out, “Welcome, Ed!”

 

It’s a bustling business over at Madame Christmas’s bar, but it serves Ed well. “Yeah yeah, hi hi —hey! No touchie!” He’s giving out his usual greetings when _someone_ swats his ass. He points a finger to the lady, and he regrets it as soon as it leaves his mouth.

 

“Awwww,” the lady drawls as she cuddles closer to another woman, the two smiling at his reaction. “Is the little _baby_ afraid of two _young, attractive_ ladies in a _bar_ meant for such…. lust?” She’s cooing at him, and the other is giggling.

 

Ed sighs angrily and rubs at his forehead. “For fuck’s sake, Lust, I’m not asking for this shit.” He finds a spot next to Lust and shouts out, “I’ll take the usual, Madame!”

 

“Don’t get too cocky that just because you have your dick parked squarely in my boy’s ass means that you can get away with this shit, brat!” She yells back at him, but he - and some of the regulars - laughs at the accusation.

 

“Anyways,“ he gets himself comfortable once his drink is set next to the others’. “What’s on the news?”

 

Serious news, judging by how Lust brings the other closer. “We got ourselves a bastard of a deal, that’s for sure.” She’s purring it out, but Ed’s gotten to know that that means she’s pissed. “Over at this young lady’s house —“ she gently squeezes said woman’s shoulders, and she seems to relax a bit — “— there’s Number 2 business, and he’s letting it _out_ like nobody’s business.”

 

“Ah, good ol’ Number 2. You report to Roy yet?” Fuck, he hates Number 2 fuckers. God, if he could just burn them all to the ground —

 

“Honey, do you think I would be dumb enough _not_ to?” Lust looks at him like he’s an idiot, but she knows how she works. “Anyways,” she lets the other down as she comes closer to Ed to whisper her end of the deal. “The kids are safe. I made sure of it.”

 

He looks at her, determination set in stone, and nods. “Thanks.” He downs the beer in one gulp - God that shit is _delicious_ \- and slams the glass down. He’ll hear her lecture later. “So, madam,” he looks at his new job. “Where can I find Asshole Numero Uno?”

 

* * *

 

 

“He did it again, that’s for sure.” Hughes lazily tells the media as they dig around another crime scene.

 

“Again my ass, Hughes, he’s made _thorough_ _work_ of making sure he’s shit his pants.” Roy whines back angrily, pissed that, once again, he has to help Edric Elric and Lust with their shit. “What number did she say?”

 

“We have a number 2—“ Kain starts, and all of them sigh. Of _course_ he would go that far.

 

“Can’t we just tell him to _not_ make our lives so difficult?” Jean joins in on the whining, but Heymans just bops him over the head.

 

“Just be grateful it wasn’t a Number 0,” Riza states calmly, and the groaning is louder.

 

* * *

 

 

“Ed, did you make it on the news again?”

 

“No no, of course not!” Ed’s smiling at his brother, who’s _covered_ with Mei and Xiao-Mei.

 

Jerso and Zampano laugh boisterously at the attempt to seem innocent. “Yeah yeah, whatever you say, Shorty!” They laugh again as Ed shoots them another annoyed look.

 

“Could you guys not? We’re in _public_!” Ed hisses at them, but a soft bonk on his head tells him they won’t listen. “Allllllll, tell them to stoppppp.”

 

“Continue onwards, my fellow men.” Al’s just smiling at him like he _totally_ didn’t just ignore him. Useless, useless, useless brother! The growling makes them all laugh at the older brother, and Al puts his hands up. “Okay okay, we’ll stop. Just tell us…” He leans closely, and Mei’s straining to hear as well. “Did you finally confess?”

 

Another screech makes it out of Ed as he furiously tries to get his brother, but _of course_ alchemy could stop him from getting his brother. “Bastard! Get down here!”

 

“But did you?”

 

“Yes I did! Now get down before someone sees you!” The two “bodyguards” are rolling on the floor, laughing their asses off as they start incoherent sentences and blast of into more laughter. “Shut _up,_ fuckers! I do have a life!” He starts kicking at the two on the floor, but they just roll away.

 

Al’s pulling the Innocent Face, which means he’s trying to act slick. “But how far have you two gone? Also, think of the workers here who have to deal with this!”

 

Of course he would go there, of course he would! “Y-youuuu…” Ed’s flushed to the brim, and he practically feels the steam rolling off of him. “I should’ve asked Honeheim to take you away from me! Shouldn’t have to fucking… Deal with this shit!”

 

“Aw, Ed, don’t be so mean!”

 

One of the workers comes over with their food, which stops the argument completely. Before they start stuffing the food down, the waiter tells them with a grin, “If you could please not use your quirks here, that would be great.” He turns to Ed with the “Death If You Don’t” stare he’s so used to. “Or I’ll turn you in, Full Metal Bat.”

 

“Sure sure, you’ll do that,” Ed just waves off the green-haired brat - God he hates how the kid just knows who he is - and continues to drink his coffee before he gets a harder smack on his head. “Watch it, fucker! I’m a customer!”

 

“You never will be, Edric-san!” The boy’s gotten way too used to his presence, and maybe Ed should be a little worried about that mouth of his.

 

When he looks back, he sees five sets of eyes looking over at him. “What?” He nervously drinks his coffee and tries to seem nonchalant, but then they explode.

 

“How did you meet him?”

 

“Did you accidentally swoon —“

 

“Is he the one —“

 

“Did you cheat on him?”

 

“Did you save him?”

 

“Tell us, Ed!” And Mei’s dog (he’ll never stop calling it that) bites his head, and he starts screeching in pain.

 

“No way in fuck! Not anymore!” So much for the warning.

**Author's Note:**

> Hmmmmmmm wonder who that boy is hmmmmmmm _insert Yoda hmm_
> 
> So! First fic to start off 2018. ~~i guess 2017 then Past Sai~~ I'll be explaining this _in much_ more detail in the AU fic I have up just so that way y'all have some sort of idea about this. And yes that was Izuku, but this is set in the future (a few years or so).
> 
> They all know Ed's Number system, which is essentially a "How bad is the situation?" Lust deals with females who have specific numbers, and others are sent to Roy so that way he can deal with the legal shit. Ed can only help out so much, and they don't want to raise too much awareness towards his side job.
> 
> Also I put "confessed" there, but I didn't know who I wanted him to confess to, so I left it like that.


End file.
